


Dante's Off Key Inferno

by dairesfanficrefuge_archivist



Category: Highlander - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-01-27
Updated: 2000-01-27
Packaged: 2018-12-18 05:38:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11867847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dairesfanficrefuge_archivist/pseuds/dairesfanficrefuge_archivist
Summary: Note from Daire, the archivist: this story was originally archived atDaire's Fanfic Refuge. Deciding to give the stories a more long-term home, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address onDaire's Fanfic Refuge's collection profile.





	Dante's Off Key Inferno

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Daire, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Daire's Fanfic Refuge](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Daire%27s_Fanfic_Refuge). Deciding to give the stories a more long-term home, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Daire's Fanfic Refuge's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/dairesfanficrefuge/profile).

Dante's Off Key Inferno by Viking Lass

_Dante's Off Key Inferno_

By Jen Erickson aka Viking Lass 

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Panzer/Davis and Gaumont. I am borrowing them with love and respect. 

Author's note: Thanks to Katie Heasley for beta reading it even though it made her question my health. Comments can come to [email redacted by archivist] 

Methos felt his sword arm fail him as his unknown opponent made the fatal move. The hooded figure that had plagued Methos for some time now had finally won. Methos thought he felt the blade cut his throat. Then everything went black and he felt as though he was falling. He fell for what seemed like years. Then there was a bright light and Methos was lying on his back. 

The light dimmed and became normal sunlight. Methos sat up and looked around and noticed that he was in a beautiful field of flowers that lead down to a huge lake. For the briefest of moments he thought that he was in Heaven. That thought was shattered when he heard his brother's voice from behind him. 

"Greetings, brother." 

Methos closed his eyes in resignation to the fact that he was in Hell. 

"Hell is a lot prettier than I thought it was going to be. Dante didn't describe any of this." Methos said to his brother in lieu of actually acknowledging Kronos. Methos sat looking ahead of him for a few minutes. 

Methos stood and looked at his brother, Kronos, who was dressed all in black as he had been in Bordeaux. Methos was in his trademark hiking boots, blue jeans, and gray shirt. 

"Come, brother, let's take a walk." Kronos said to Methos. They walked through the flowers toward the lake. 

It was a beautiful day and Methos wondered if it was some sick joke of The Powers That Be to make one's first day in Hell pleasant. He figured that Kronos would know since he'd been here awhile. 

"Is it always like this or does it change to Dante's version at some point?" 

"No, this level is always like this. It's Ring six and a half and only very special people get to be here. Dante wrote about Ring six and a half. It was in his unpublished papers." 

Methos wondered what the defining guidelines were for "very special people". Then in the distance he saw a table full of people all writing diligently. 

"Who are those people?" Methos asked his version of Virgil. 

"Oh, those are some of the special people. They're the writers for 'The Ransom of Richard Redstone' and the 'Arhiman Arc'. The minute the scripts went to production they were condemned. Plus all the emotional fallout from Stan's fan club and well pardon the pun; there was Hell to pay. They are here until they write some good stuff and then they'll get judged again based on the rest of their lives beyond their Highlander job. Oh, and the guy whose idea it was for Cassandra to answer the hotel door without her sword is here too." 

Methos smirked because he had never known his brother to be witty. He then heard what sounded like arguing in the distance. He looked around unsure. Kronos was the one with the answer. 

"That's Caspian and Silas up in Ring four. Who'dda thought they'd argue over who killed more people even after their deaths?" 

Methos wondered why The Four Horsemen were not all in the same section of Hell. "Why-" He started but Kronos finished the sentence. 

"Aren't we all together? Well I was with them but I requested level six and a half because I couldn't take their incessant arguing. You're here because-.well-you mastered that appreciation for beauty in life thing." 

"Lovely." Methos said laced with his sarcasm. 

"It gets better." Kronos said. "You do remember that you were supposed to help with the Apocalypse?" 

Methos nodded and remembered those hectic days with his brother in Seacouver and then Bordeaux. 

"All I wanted was the world that night." With that Kronos broke into song, "World Tonite" by Styx. 

_A child is born in the world tonight, underneath a full moonlight_   
And on the highway a fire starts, diesel engines and broken hearts   
The girls wanna dance and the boys wanna fight   
Gonna get rockin in the world tonite   
The black cat howls the mad dog bites   
Something gonna happen in the world tonite 

Now up in the heaven the stars align, stirring up the world tonite   
In the jungle the power's strong, the tribes are restless all night long   
And the girls wanna dance the boys wanna fight   
Gonna get rocking in the world tonight 

Tension's rising, you can cut it with a knife   
Sticky situation in the world tonite   
Big moon staring at the world tonite 

Young blood run free, you can be anything you want to be   
Young blood run wild, You've got the will of a king and the heart of a child 

Yeah so gimme a beat cause here I come   
Tonight's the night I'm gonna bang my drum.   
Gotta million wants on the tip of my tongue   
And I feel like a trigger on a loaded gun.   
Crank up the station. Shake the foundation. Wake up the nation. 

We've got a situation where someone's got a button connected to a bomb   
And it don't matter whose side you're on   
They can have it all back by the morning light   
All we want is the world tonight 

Girls wanna dance boys wanna fight   
Gonna get rockin in the world tonight   
Read all about it in black and white   
Everybody gone crazy in the world tonight. 

Methos was amazed his brother could carry a tune so well. And it was true there had been a button connected to a bomb but it did matter whose side he was on. He was suddenly angry with his brother. And he wanted to tell him what he should have told him in Bordeaux. 

Kronos looked at his brother expectantly. Would his singing have the effect that his threats didn't have in Bordeaux? 

Methos looked at Kronos. Then Methos said, "I have two words for you: 'High Hopes.'" Then he broke into song. Frank Sinatra would have been proud. 

_Next time you fall with your chin on the ground_   
There's a lot to be learned so look around   
Just what makes that little old ant   
Think he'll move that rubber tree plant   
Anyone knows an ant, can't   
Move a rubber tree plant 

But he's got high hopes   
He's got high hopes   
But he's got high apple pie in the sky hopes 

So anytime you're getting low   
Instead of letting go   
Just remember that ant   
Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant   
Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant   
Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant 

When troubles call   
And your back's to the wall   
There's a lot to be learned, that wall could fall 

Once there was a silly old ram   
Thought he'd bunch a hole in a dam   
No one could make that ram scram   
He kept buttin that dam 

Cause he had high hopes   
He had high hopes   
He had high apple pie in the sky hopes 

So anytime you're feeling bad   
Instead of feeling sad   
Just remember that ram 

Oops there goes a billion kilowatt dam   
Oops there goes a billion kilowatt dam   
Oops there goes a billion kilowatt dam 

Problems just a toy balloon   
They'll been bursting soon   
They're just bound to go pop 

Oops there goes another problem kerplop   
Oops there goes another problem kerplop   
Oops there goes another problem kerplop. 

Methos wondered what would have happened if he had told Kronos in Bordeaux that all he had were high hopes. He realized that the perfect time would have been when Kronos said, "I have a few thoughts. I have a few dollars. And now we have Methos." The song would have fit in perfectly there but the writing staff didn't think so, and the guy in charge of the camera thought it much more dramatic to shift to the bubbling test tube. 

"So now that you're dead you do know the meaning of life right?" Kronos inquired of Methos. 

"Sure, it's about living each day, taking in the beauty around you, loving your lovers and your friends and always having your favorite beer near." 

"Do you think everything was real?" Kronos asked. 

Methos thought for a minute before answering. He was having a hard time with the sincerity of Kronos' question. He couldn't help but ask Kronos a question. "What does it matter? We're dead now." 

"It matters. Answer the question," Kronos said in response. 

Methos thought about things that he knew were real. He remembered his days in Greece when he had pursued intellectual pursuits consisting of that existential question Kronos had asked him. 

"Nobody thinks quite like you Kronos." Those words from Bordeaux ran through Methos' head. The absurdity of the conversation overwhelmed Methos. 

"I can't believe I am debating the nature of things with you, of all people." Methos said dejectedly. 

"You are, so deal with it." Kronos snipped. He was impatient for an answer and pushed another question onto Methos. "You don't think it was just an illusion-.perhaps-A Grand Illusion?" 

Then he was in song again and Dennis De Young wouldn't have complained. 

_Welcome to the Grand Illusion_   
Come on in and see what's happening   
Pay the price get your tickets for the show 

The stage is set the band starts playing   
Suddenly your heart is pounding   
Wishing secretly you were a star 

But don't be fooled by the radio   
The t.v. or the magazines   
They'll show you photographs of   
How your life should be   
But they're just someone else's fantasy 

So if you think your life's complete confusion   
Cause you never win the game   
(Cause your neighbors got it made)   
Just remember that it's a Grand Illusion   
And deep inside we're all the same 

America spells competition   
Join us in our blind ambition   
Get yourself a brand new motor car 

But someday soon we'll stop to ponder   
What on earth's this spell we're under   
We made the grade and still we wonder   
Who the hell we are! 

Kronos had always liked that song when he had been alive. He was glad when he noticed that the "True Scholar," his brother Methos seemed thoughtful after his singing. He wanted to press home the point about the illusions of life so he brought up one of the sorest points between he and his brother, Cassandra. 

"You know that it was true, what you told Cassandra in Bordeaux. She thought she loved you. It was an illusion brought on by what was later diagnosed as the Helsinki Syndrome." 

Because he was dead Methos found the fury within him and vented it toward his brother. Death had freed him to be truthful with his brother, which seemed the ultimate Irony. 

"She did love me in the Bronze Age and again just a few years ago!" 

Kronos had waited three thousand years for Methos to finally stand up for that bitch, Cassandra. Kronos smiled when he saw that his brother Methos was angry. Because Methos was thinking solely about Cassandra her image was shown on the edge of the lake they were standing at. Cassandra was wearing that little white dress she had worn before she seduced MacLeod. Methos was suddenly a lovesick puppy wanting to be with his woman. 

Kronos couldn't help but pester his older brother in regard to Cassandra. "So what was it about her, really?" 

"It was witchcraft, plain and simple." Methos said quietly. After a deep breath he began to sing yet another Sinatra song, "Witchcraft." 

_Those fingers in my hair_   
That sly come hither stare   
That strips my conscience bare   
It's witchcraft   
I've got no defense for it   
The heat is too intense for it   
What good would common sense for it do   
It's witchcraft, wicked witchcraft   
And although I know it's strictly taboo 

When you arouse the need in me   
My heart says yes indeed in me   
Proceed with what you're leading me to   
It's such an ancient pitch   
But one I wouldn't switch   
Cause there's no nicer witch than you 

Cause its witchcraft, that crazy witchcraft   
And although I know it's strictly taboo   
When you arouse the need in me   
My heart says yes indeed in me   
Proceed with what you're leading me to   
It's such an ancient pitch   
But one that I wouldn't switch   
Cause there's no nicer witch than you. 

Cassandra disappeared as Methos ran toward her. 

"That was our song, you know. It seemed so appropriate in 1999 when we got back together." 

Kronos was about as grossed out as he could be being he was dead. He put his finger in his mouth and feigned gagging. He needled his brother even more and said, "When you two got married, I rolled over in my grave. That's why there was that earthquake in France." 

It finally hit Methos that he was dead. He didn't have his woman and he was going to be in Hell with his brothers forever. Too many early sins didn't counterbalance the apathy that sustained him in his later centuries to be considered for Purgatory even. 

He'd just have to buck up and deal with his predicament. But suddenly emotion tore him up from inside and he sang, as he never had before, "My Way" by Sinatra. Kronos just looked at him and wondered if the two of them could have kept the audiences captivated in Vegas as the Rat Pack had in the 60's. Methos' voice resounded around the lake. 

_And now the end is near_   
And so I face the final curtain   
My friend I'll say it clear   
I'll state my case of which I'm certain   
I lived a life that's full   
I traveled each and every highway   
And more much more than this   
I did it my way 

Regrets I've had a few but then again   
Too few to mention   
I did what I had to do   
And saw it through without exemption   
I planned each charted course   
Each careful step along the byway   
And more much more than this I did it my way 

Yes there were times I'm sure you knew   
When I bit off more than I could chew   
But through it all   
When there was doubt   
I ate it up and spit it out   
I faced it all   
And I stood tall   
And did it my way 

I've loved I've laughed and cried   
I've had my fill   
My share of losing   
And now as tears subside I find it all   
So amusing   
To think I did all that   
And may I say not in a shy way   
Oh no oh no not me   
I did it my way 

For what is a man   
What has he got   
If not himself then he has not   
To say the things he truly feels   
And not the words of one who kneels   
The record shows   
I took the blows   
And I DID IT MY WAY!   
Yes it was my way. 

Methos had never been sure if that song was a better fit to him or to MacLeod. There seemed no need to ponder the point, though. 

"I didn't know you were such a Sinatra fan, Methos." Kronos goaded. 

"There's a lot about me that you don't know." 

They walked on for a while. The field gave way to a nice lush forest. With a sudden epiphany, Methos figured out why Ring six and a half was Hell. Though the physical surroundings were picturesque, there was something off kilter. The true Hell of this place was that a person's emotion came out as a song! Well that was infinitely better than Dante's descriptions in his Inferno.

And anyway Kronos liked Styx, and Methos did like Springsteen and Queen. He remembered fondly his favorite line from Queen: "I considered it a challenge before all human race, that I'd never lose." Well he had lost. 

Kronos smiled apprehensively at his brother when he saw that Methos had figured out the special catch of being on Ring Six and a half. Though Kronos had never been scared in his four thousand years of life, the thought of him singing to Methos forever was frightening beyond words. 

Methos frantically thought to himself that there was no way in Hell, again, enjoy the pun; he was going to spend the rest of eternity singing to Kronos. There had to be a way out. Maybe if he could get the writers to write him into the "Ransom of Richard Redstone" then maybe he could get out. He took off through the forest and ran back to the table of writers in the field. Kronos lagged behind only a little bit. 

Methos ran up to one of the writers and said, "You have to write me into that episode! I can't stay here." 

Before the writer could answer him Kronos demanded that he be in the episode too. 

"You're dead though by that episode," said one of the slower writers. 

Methos was quick to point out that Kronos could be in one of Methos' flashbacks. But soon the table full of writers broke into argument that was anything but constructive or creative. They argued for what seemed like forever. They used material from _Grease, West Side Story_ and something Methos couldn't place. After a pencil was flung in Methos' direction his long tested patience finally failed him. 

He yelled at the staff, "Look we're all people and we need each other!" 

Everyone looked at each other in silence. Each felt the Hellish dread as the next song seized the whole group. The writing staff, Methos and Kronos all linked arms chorus style and danced their way through Streisand's "People." 

_People_   
People who need people   
Are the luckiest people in the world 

We're children   
Needing other children   
And yet letting our grown-up pride   
Hide all the need inside. 

Fade to Black. 

© 2000   
Please send comments to the author! 

01/27/2000 

* * *


End file.
